The Adventures of an Aussie at a Jewish Wedding in Canada…

Back in February I made a trip across the border to visit Canada – America’s hat. A few things to note about this trip:

1. Montreal in February. Enough said.
2. See above. I was sure I was going to freeze to death and die… in Canada, of all places.
3. I had to fly in a crash die plane from La Guardia, NY to Montreal.
4. See above. I was sure we were going to crash and die… on the way to Canada, of all places.
5. I had never been to a Jewish wedding before and had no idea what to expect.

crash • die • plane
/kraSH/dī/plān/

Verb
(of a moving object, particular small aircrafts with single rows of seats) collide violently with another object or drop out of the sky resulting in an immediate death to all on board.

THE PLANE

From the very beginning, everything pointed towards a detrimental crash die journey. This is a screen grab of what happened when I went to book my flights back in December…

Crash Die Plane 1

What happened next made me wonder if I should have just booked myself a one-way to Canada. This is a conversation that followed with a colleague after the above facebook posting. Bless Americans…

Colleague: I seriously want to know more about this plane.

Me: I hate crash-die planes. I want to vomit already.

Colleague: I typed it in Google and it said “Did you mean crash diet plan?” I’m like, no Mr. Google, I did not.

Me: Crash-die planes are just my nickname for small planes because they always crash and everyone dies.

Colleague: So how does it fly without wings?

Me: OMG. HAHAHA. IT HAS WINGS!

Colleague: I thought you said it didn’t? I Googled planes without wings and found a few! These were the only ones I could find so I thought it was something extra new.

plane with no wings

Me: OMG YOU CRACK ME UP!

Colleague: I seriously was like, I need more information on this. Why would Lynda fly in a plane without wings?

So there was that…

And then there was reality…

Crash die plane

The plane was so small that they couldn’t even hook the passenger air bridge up to it!  We had to all board a shuttle that drove us over to the crash die plane that was patiently sitting in the middle of the tarmac, waiting for us to board via a small staircase leading up to front door. Terrified.

In case you’re wondering, this is how you tell you’ve crossed the border from the US to Canada…

usa to canada

 Snow. Everywhere. Ah, Canada.

MONTREAL

My phone did not work in Canada. I had no connection to the outside world. If at any moment, the world was attacked by aliens and Canada was the only country spared, I would not have known. I had to make the most of this situation.

I spent the next couple of days leading up to the wedding being as Canadian as possible. After all, I didn’t want anyone knowing I was an Australian/fake American impostor!

Exhibit 1. Marvelling at the insane amounts of snow that vacates people’s front yards…

Snowy Montreal

Exhibit 2. Drinking beer from pitchers double the size of my head while saying “eh?”…

Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 6.06.49 PM

Exhibit 3. Going on leisurely strolls when it is -20°C/-4°F out and pretending it didn’t bother me…

Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 6.07.01 PM

It should probably be noted that before heading out, I put on my Floridian winter coat. The Canadians asked me where my coat was. I said I was wearing it. The Canadians laughed at me and found me a thermal coat to wear. Ah, those Canadians, always being so damn nice!

THE WEDDING

So you’re probably wondering how an Aussie ends up at a Jewish wedding in Canada. Well, it all started while traveling through Europe one summer. I friended a couple of crazy Canadians which, to this day, I still refer to as “Canada” and well, the rest is history.

Canada made sure to introduce me to the one other non-Jewish friend in attendance. We sat together during the ceremony and both had no idea what was happening. I’d attended a Greek wedding ceremony once back home in Australia and remember being quite confused by that too, but this one took the cake. I wasn’t even sure if they’d been pronounced husband and wife yet until they all started to vacate the altar which led me to believe they were either a) married or b) Canada was chucking a Julia Roberts, à la Runaway Bride style move. Since we carried on with the celebrations it became clear that Canada was in fact, a) married. Yay!

You know at traditional Catholic/Christian weddings how the bridal party all walk into the reception, one at a time, followed by the bride and groom being introduced as newlyweds.. well, this is where it gets confusing… the doors swung open and Canada and her new Canadian husband ran into the room… RAN! Then all the females in attendance ran up to Canada and started running in circles with her… same with the guys and Canada’s husband! They all ran in circles for a good 15 minutes. It was then decided that they would dance on tables being lifted up by other Canadians. Culture shock! I was beyond overwhelmed so I did the one thing I knew I’d be able to get right… and no, it wasn’t run in circles…

Open Wedding Bar

Ah, open wedding bars, how I love thee.

When all the crazy circle-running stopped, here is the one, single photo I was able to capture of Canada and her groom having their first dance together. Awwww…

Canada's Wedding

Overall, I felt I did a great job being a faux Canadian for the weekend. Would I do it again? Well, I kinda have no choice as I’m heading to Toronto next weekend…

The End.

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