Ever Been Bitch Slapped By A Monkey?

This is a continuation from “Lady Bling Bling Does Petaling Whilst I Fail At Blowing.”

Apart from a scheduled dinner, our Saturday agenda is completely open so we decide we’ll spend the day exploring the Batu Caves. The Batu Caves are situated 13km from downtown Kuala Lumpur (about a $10 AUD cab ride) and are one of the most popular Hindu shrines outside of India. Rising almost 100m above the ground, the limestone forming Batu Caves are said to be around 400 millions years old.

During the cab ride over, a convoy of navy blue vans with the word “POLIS” plastered across their side speed by us; each has their back hatch open giving us a clear view of what’s inside. A half dozen or so police men armed with guns line the walls of each van. Jess has an unforgivable blonde moment…

Jess: “Polis. What are Polis?”
Miranda & Me: <insert laughter here> (You know, because clearly we think she is joking).
Jess: <insert blank look on face here>
Me: “Police!”
Jess: “Ohhh…”
Me: “Wait, you weren’t joking?”
Jess: “No…”
Van: *awkward silence while we all reflect on what has just happened*

Poor Jess; I almost just want to reach out, pat her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

Before heading towards the caves, we explore the surrounding area and come across a Hindu temple. Religious locals staying true to their cultural beliefs are draped in their traditional, vibrant attire and their shoes are scattered at the foot of the temple’s stairs as they are not allowed to wear them inside while praying. We stay here for only a few minutes before we feel like disrespectful tourists invading on the locals privacy.

Batu Caves - Malaysia

It’s pretty hard to miss the gigantic golden buddha that greets you at the steps of Batu Cave. Standing at 42.7 metres high, the statue of Murugan, a Hindu deity, is the tallest of its kind in the world and is said to watch over and protect the Batu Caves. The size of this thing is insane and photos simply don’t do it justice. To try and put it into context, it is made of 1550 cubic metres of concrete, 250 tonnes of steel bars and 300 litres of gold paint!

Golden Buddha - Batu Caves

To reach Batu Caves, we must first climb all 272 concrete steps which sounds easy enough, that is, until Mother Nature decides to punish us for Jess’ blonde moment earlier and sends a torrential downpour to descend over us – Excellent! Before I can even climb 10 stairs, I am soaked, from head to toe. My capri’s are weighed down from the amount of rain they have absorbed; I can feel them getting heavier and revealing more and more butt crack with each and every step I take – surely this goes against some sort of religion here.

By the time I reach the top, I think I’m just about ready to die. My eye liner has run into my eyes and they are stinging, my pants are still falling and the hairspray that was once in my hair is dripping down my face to join the eye liner that is still currently burning my retina. I am a complete sex symbol right now – it doesn’t get any hotter than this, baby!

If I had ever once wondered in my life what it was like to be dripping wet inside a big, dark cave, well, now I know – usually it’s someone else doing the cave exploring…

Inside Batu Caves - KL

View of Kuala Lumpur from Batu Caves

Once the rain eases, the view of Kuala Lumpur from the top of the stairs is quite impressive but what was even more impressive was that the monkeys had now come out to play – Hooray! If this monkey had Facebook, this would definitely be his profile photo captioned, “Bring it, bitches!”

Monkey preying on tourists at Batu Caves

I am easily amused by wild monkeys – ever since that one day on Phi Phi Island in Thailand when I saw one chug a bottle of Sprite and then throw the glass bottle at a passer-bys head I’ve marvelled at how slick they are when conducting such behavioural antics. As I make my way back down the 272 stairs, I stop mid-way to watch a moronic man getting a little too close to the monkey – the monkey retaliates by reaching out to him, hissing and showing some major monkey teeth – close call, dude.

It could not have been more than 15 seconds later that I look up to see Miranda’s hand, in slow motion, reaching out for that same monkey. Is she trying to pat it??!?? I blink. My God, she is!!!

Me: “MIRANDA! You might not want to do that, that same monkey just tried to att…”
Monkey: *Reaches out and bitch slaps Miranda right across her arm*
Miranda: “Ouch!” <said with a look of horror on her face>
Me: “You totally just got bitch slapped by a monkey!”

Miranda’s right to laugh at Jess over the Polis has now been retracted from her as had her dignity.

Monkeys at Batu Cave, KL

Before heading back to the ParkRoyal Serviced Suites, we grab ourselves a freshly cut coconut and sip on coconut water. Apart from the red patch on Miranda’s arm from where she got bitch slapped by the monkey and the chaffing happening between my legs from my still-soaking wet pants, life is good.

Sipping on coconut water at Batu Caves

Oh, yeah, and we may have been slightly annoyed that we were not allowed to all make out together in the back seat of our cab on the ride home. Bummer.

No kissing in the back of this KL cab

To be continued…
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For more information on Batu Caves, go to OverseasAttractions.com.
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