Lady Bling Bling Does Petaling Whilst I Fail At Blowing…

This is a continuation from “Getting Dirty In The Kitchen: LaZat Malaysian Cooking Class“.

Coming to a theatre near you…
Lady Bling Bling does Petaling
starring Jess, Miranda, Kieron, Lucy and directed by Lynda.

Lady BlingBling - The Movie

Before you point it out, yes, I am well aware that this has all the necessities for the making of a bad porn flick, but Lady BlingBling really did do Petaling Street and it was amazing – actually, it was better than amazing; imagine amazing having multiple orgasms, and yeah, that’s how good it was.

Friday night was, well, awkward, to say the least. We had been booked into a Kuala Lumpur City Tour and Cultural Dinner Show which we were all looking quite forward to. Kumar came by our hotel and picked us up – we were dressed in our Friday night finest, Jess complete with her killer heels!

Petaling Street, Kuala LumpurWe weren’t exactly too sure what to expect from our night tour as we hadn’t been provided too much information about it, but as we drove through the busy, bustling streets of Kuala Lumpur at dusk, China Town was quick to catch our eye. The Petaling Street night market was something that was on all our lists of must see attractions in KL and we had planned to check it out tomorrow evening before dinner… That was until Kumar hastily pulled our van over, came to a complete stop and told us we had 45 minutes to explore Petaling Street.

Petaling Street is one of Kuala Lumpur’s most popular tourist destinations. By night, it is a bustling hangout for locals and tourists alike. The atmosphere is heightened by a magnificent array of colour and the intoxicating aromas of traditional Malaysian cuisines that drifts and lingers through the night air. Stalls line the streets, each selling something more faux than the next; watches, sunglasses, handbags… products of every description!

Now, keep in mind that we were quite dressed up and not at all planning to have to walk down a street full of haggling locals trying to sell us boot leg DVD’s, fake sunnies and handbags. It was almost like playing a bad game of Where’s Wally, only we were Wally and had flashing neon lights attached to our heads. Tourists much?

Petaling Street Night Market - Kuala Lumpur

Petaling Street Night Market - Kuala Lumpur

As we walked further down Petaling Street, the commentary from the stall owners seemed to amplify in hilariousness…

Haggler 1 to Jess: “BOOM SHAKALAKA!”

Haggler 2 to Jess: “OHHH, LADY BLING BLING!”

Haggler 3 to Jess: “WOW! You are AMERICAN!!!!”

From here on out, by the power vested in us, we now pronounce Jess, Lady Bling Bling! Pretty sure this marked the end of our 45 minute adventure to Petaling Street. Off we go to our cultural dinner show. Boom shakalaka! This video now has a whole new meaning for us…

After being seated quite close to the stage, we order a round of drinks and make our way to the buffet. Dinner was a helping of Malaysian, Indian and Chinese inspired offerings and although there was a plethora of food put out before us, the food itself wasn’t the best – although I couldn’t help but treat myself to seconds of roti canai and satay chicken sticks – major noms.

Cultural Dinner Show - Kuala LumpurWhat happens next I am definitely not prepared for. See the dude to the left, well, he walks on out to me, grabs my hand and takes me to the centre of the room. He then grabs his big, long, hard stick and places it at my lips. I’ve never had anyone be so forward about this before. I think I’m blushing. Crap, I am blushing… in public… while I have this huge thing at the tip of my lips. He pushes it down a little bit further. Right, now it’s all the way in; a little bit further and I would have been deep throating his stick. He directs me to two balloons hanging up on the wall – great, now he wants to get his balls involved too; this is way more than I can handle right now, I mean, I don’t even know the guy yet! He should at least be taking me out to dinner or a movie first, right? I really know how to make my mum proud!

Just when I think it can’t get any worse, he tells me to blow his stick. Really? REALLY!?! This is almost like a nasty, drunken one night stand; you know the kind where you want to slip out of bed without him knowing, only he’s sleeping on your arm… yeah, well, that, but I’ve got his stick in my mouth and he’s clearly awake and wants me to blow. The pressure is on. I can feel hundreds of eyes watching me. I take one big, deep breath and… I blow.

A little bullet fires out from the other end of his stick at stealth like speeds right towards his balls. The lead up is intense, and then, oh, damn, I miss. The bullet misses the balloon and bounces off the wall. He makes some weird, loud kind of bird noise, definitely not the noise I was expecting. Clearly I suck at this whole blow job thing and have let him down. Bet he’s glad he didn’t waste $15 on a movie ticket after all. Next time, mate.

Cultural Dinner Show - Kuala Lumpur

Blowing incident aside, the rest of the cultural show is great. The dancers have the most gorgeous traditional costumes and move so gracefully across the stage. Lady Bling Bling and Kieron also made a cameo appearance up on stage, only they have it easy and get to jump instead of blow.

To be continued…